so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
