new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Randomize
