Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
