Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
