I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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