I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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