Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
