bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
