well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
