dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
