Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
