i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
