I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize