after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
