Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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