I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just pee around me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
