Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
