i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
