I'd wear matching sweaters with you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
