You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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