I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
