My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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