so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
