someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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