Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
