I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
