Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize