I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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