i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
