I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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