Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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