Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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