You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My ass is underappreciated
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
