Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have aggressive nipples.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
