its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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