Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
