we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
