he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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