u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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