By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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