I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
