I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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