Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
