I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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