nut hugger
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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