I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
