Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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