Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
In other news, I just burned my penis
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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