i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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