I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
