dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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