It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
