he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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