i was born a porn star she said
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
