you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
