My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize