Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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