9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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