Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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