mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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